Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
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Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.