I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell