[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
You Might Also Like
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit