[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I want this so bad
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
i think both sides are to blame here
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!