Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I love the National Park Service.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…