My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
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Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.