Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
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My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you