*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I’m going to need a moment here.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
congratulations to them
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!