Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.