Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
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6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.