OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
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Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Practicing safe sax
what?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
This did not end as expected.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.