OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?