Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
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(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists