Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
You Might Also Like
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now