Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
😏😏😏
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.