OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?