Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
what’s the point then??
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”