This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Warm pools make me nervous.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-