in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I am all good here, 😂😉
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
crochet youtube is brutal
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
When life hands you women, make women laid.