Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
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*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.