*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
You Might Also Like
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
same vibe as tangled headphones
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes