whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
scared to check what name she chose
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples