[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
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Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
According to math, I’m broke
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?