Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
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Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I missed you with all my darts
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.