Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
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I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Personal question. #JustSaying
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs