scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Breaking news:
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
car not found
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”