Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
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People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.