@Dank_Pal: Ocean's Eleven? Ummmm I'm pretty sure it's a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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@shannonrwatts: My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates: “Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
@Home_Halfway: Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about how close the rabbit probably came to being named the grasshopper
@TheHyyyype: hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i've known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
@ShakesREMIX: My surname: 'Ever.' My given forename: 'Superior'. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.