Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real