Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help