October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!