October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Not😆🤣
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer