October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*