October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I think I’m having a stroke
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[eulogy]
line?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: