[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
handsome & gretel
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience