Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?