I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside