Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
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Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan