Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
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Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.