“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are