*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
🤣could you imagine
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.