*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.