I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.