NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
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My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in