Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot