I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.