*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
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OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*