Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
79.