One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
You Might Also Like
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM