I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
This will never not be funny 😭
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.