A new level of troll.
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Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.